Communication Conundrums and Message Mishaps
If I had only one wish, it would be to have the ability to communicate in such a way that my intended meaning was understood completely every time. Just imagine what that would mean in your relationships with family, colleagues, clients or a hiring manager! We would all have dream jobs, love our co-workers, have virtually no family drama and maybe even our own talk show. Unfortunately, clear communication every time is an impossibility because we all have a jumble of complicated, messy, conscious and subconscious thoughts going through our heads based on our unique set of past experiences.
I have recently been enlightened by authors Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Shelia Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project after reading their book entitled Difficult Conversations. The authors explain that in every difficult conversation we have there are actually three conversations going on. Some examples of difficult conversations in the workplace would be asking for a raise, giving negative feedback to your employee, terminating an employee, resigning or raising a workplace complaint.
First there’s the “what happened?” conversation. Who said and did what? We spend most of our time focusing on blame and trying to determine who is right and who is wrong. Most of the time, the conversation is about perceptions, interpretations and values rather than right or wrong. The authors talk about untangling intention versus impact. We need to move from blaming to a “learning stance” by exploring each other’s stories. The book goes into excellent detail on how to listen and what to do when you can’t.
Then there’s the “feelings” conversation. Yes, that dreaded touchy feely part many of us shy away from. Are your feelings valid? How does the other person feel about the situation? Most of the time, we avoid talking about them, but they leak out in what we say anyway. Often times, we are not even aware of all the feelings we have about the situation. How we feel is usually at the heart of difficult conversations. When we don’t express them, it is more difficult to listen. The book explains how to use the urge to blame as a clue to uncover our feelings and then how to express them without judgment.
The “identity” conversation then comes into play. This is a conversation we have with ourselves about what the situation means to us. We have an internal debate about whether we are good or bad, competent or incompetent, loveable or unlovable. The authors help the reader understand that the identity conversation is not all or nothing, it’s “and”. Good people can do a bad thing and a competent person can make a mistake. When our identity is shaken, it can knock us off balance, but the authors explain how to stay grounded.
Another complicated twist is that we need to remember that the other person is having their own version of each of these three conversations right along with us. With all this going on, it’s pretty amazing when we do get our point across. Pick this one up if you want to understand and improve how you communicate. http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-what-Matters/dp/014028852X
If I had only one wish, it would be to have the ability to communicate in such a way that my intended meaning was understood completely every time. Just imagine what that would mean in your relationships with family, colleagues, clients or a hiring manager! We would all have dream jobs, love our co-workers, have virtually no family drama and maybe even our own talk show. Unfortunately, clear communication every time is an impossibility because we all have a jumble of complicated, messy, conscious and subconscious thoughts going through our heads based on our unique set of past experiences.
I have recently been enlightened by authors Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Shelia Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project after reading their book entitled Difficult Conversations. The authors explain that in every difficult conversation we have there are actually three conversations going on. Some examples of difficult conversations in the workplace would be asking for a raise, giving negative feedback to your employee, terminating an employee, resigning or raising a workplace complaint.
First there’s the “what happened?” conversation. Who said and did what? We spend most of our time focusing on blame and trying to determine who is right and who is wrong. Most of the time, the conversation is about perceptions, interpretations and values rather than right or wrong. The authors talk about untangling intention versus impact. We need to move from blaming to a “learning stance” by exploring each other’s stories. The book goes into excellent detail on how to listen and what to do when you can’t.
Then there’s the “feelings” conversation. Yes, that dreaded touchy feely part many of us shy away from. Are your feelings valid? How does the other person feel about the situation? Most of the time, we avoid talking about them, but they leak out in what we say anyway. Often times, we are not even aware of all the feelings we have about the situation. How we feel is usually at the heart of difficult conversations. When we don’t express them, it is more difficult to listen. The book explains how to use the urge to blame as a clue to uncover our feelings and then how to express them without judgment.
The “identity” conversation then comes into play. This is a conversation we have with ourselves about what the situation means to us. We have an internal debate about whether we are good or bad, competent or incompetent, loveable or unlovable. The authors help the reader understand that the identity conversation is not all or nothing, it’s “and”. Good people can do a bad thing and a competent person can make a mistake. When our identity is shaken, it can knock us off balance, but the authors explain how to stay grounded.
Another complicated twist is that we need to remember that the other person is having their own version of each of these three conversations right along with us. With all this going on, it’s pretty amazing when we do get our point across. Pick this one up if you want to understand and improve how you communicate. http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-what-Matters/dp/014028852X
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